


Fading Light

by Grotesgi



Series: After No Disaster Can Touch Us Anymore [3]
Category: Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: Aliens, Aquariums, Captive Mers, Captivity, Gen, Hermaphrodites, Hurt/Comfort, Merformers, Past Rape/Non-con
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:27:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25188664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Grotesgi/pseuds/Grotesgi
Summary: Mistakes were made, and there's nothing to do but live with the consequences. Sunstreaker, for one, will give it his best go.
Relationships: Sideswipe & Sunstreaker
Series: After No Disaster Can Touch Us Anymore [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1824688
Comments: 7
Kudos: 22





	Fading Light

**Author's Note:**

> Direct continuation of Nature Calls! I sort of suggest reading that one first to get the full context of things. Idk how much sense this will make otherwise.

It had been two weeks, if he had counted right. Two weeks since they separated them. Days and nights had blurred together like they always did, swimming in the small secondary tank they sometimes moved him to when they got too rough with each other.

And now when the season hit, too. Apparently.

It hadn’t been any better or any more bearable alone. Last year had been… A disaster, and he never wanted to repeat that.

But being all alone? In some ways that felt even more wrong than mating with Sideswipe had. It wasn’t the time to be alone, it was the time to find everyone else of their species, join them in frolicking in the warm waters of the equator—find a mate.

Sideswipe should never have been that mate, but even that didn’t compare to spending the season all by himself. The urges were strong. Travel, chase, be chased, mate.

And he’d been able to do none of that. He hadn’t even been allowed the presence of another, even though there would have been no danger this year, not with Sideswipe carrying.

What had he done instead? Circled the too small tank all alone with every part of him screaming at him about how _wrong_ it all was. Every round he made only to come back to the spot he’d started from had only driven his frustration higher, but there was no outlet he could give that. The humans had been careful around him, never coming within reach.

The most he could do was splash water at them when they dropped food to him from the platforms running along the rafters. Wholly dissatisfying.

That was how he’d spent this season, feeling as if he was going to be driven mad before it came to its end. Every day had been worse than the one before it when he was forced to deny his instincts, his body, _nature._

But the season was finite. He struggled to keep track of the days, but eventually it just… Stopped. Not quite like a switch was turned off, but it tapered off so quickly regardless. The restlessness reduced, the need wavered, the call quieted, until it was quiet and still again.

Nothing but him and the breezeless waters of the tank.

He’d hoped they’d move him to Sideswipe then, but the humans were stupid. By all appearances they didn’t even recognize the end of the season, just continued to tiptoe around him like he was about to explode at any moment.

Which was never too far from the truth, but it wasn’t… Any _more_ so than normal, anymore.

But they either didn’t see it, or chose to not act on it.

Accordingly he was forced to continue swimming the tight circle until his muscles threatened to cramp, but there wasn’t exactly anything else for him to do.

So he kept swimming, just to pass the time. It still _crawled_ along at the pace of the little beings you sometimes found making their way along the ocean floor. That they had followed when they were still pups… Tried to figure out what the little creatures’ lives were composed of under the watchful eye of their carrier.

Frustration. He wanted to be out _there,_ living his life to its fullest, accepting all the dangers of the wild as well as the _joys._

Here, there was no danger, but no joy either.

Claustrophobia was a familiar feeling to him, but it never hit him quite as hard as when he allowed his thoughts to travel to the open ocean—hoping, _dreaming_ that he could one day return there.

If they were out there, this whole messed up situation would never have even formed. He would have had more choice in mates than he would’ve known what to do with.

There was no scenario there where he would have been driven into mating with his own _brother._

And what of Sideswipe? Sunstreaker had prepared himself to be there for him when the pups arrived. Pits, he didn’t know what he would’ve done, or what Sideswipe would have needed, but he had wanted to be _there._

Then along had come the humans and fucked up their lives even further. He was alone now, but so was Sideswipe.

And Sideswipe… He hadn’t been the same since what happened last season. He’d lost that mischievous gleam from his eye, the little spark he always carried in his heart. He had been _reduced._ He tried to hide it, tried to pretend everything was still the same—that he didn’t subtly shy away from Sunstreaker’s touch.

But they’d lived together in close quarters their entire lives. They knew each other better than anyone.

Sideswipe couldn’t hide things from him.

Something in Sunstreaker’s chest ached for his brother, all the while knowing he had been the catalyst for that change. It had been a _year,_ and Sideswipe still wasn’t the same. 

But how could he have been? They’d fervently hoped their lapse— _his_ lapse—wouldn’t lead to anything.

But it had. Sideswipe had fallen pregnant.

Heavy with his _own brother’s_ pups.

That thought still made Sunstreaker recoil, and he doubted he would ever get used to it. But that was what had happened. Sideswipe had paid the heaviest price for it. He was the one whose body underwent undeniable changes, as much against his will as the act that had led to it all had been. He had to feel it all.

And Sunstreaker had to watch it all. He had to watch every time Sideswipe bit his lip to keep from crying, the times when he failed anyway. Sometimes he tried to hide it, other times he had been too overwhelmed to even try.

Sunstreaker had tried to be there for him every time, but it was difficult when half the time he wasn’t certain if Sideswipe even wanted his touch, or if it would only make him cry harder.

Sideswipe would always lean into it eventually, but only after a pause. And that pause, it hurt. _Trust_ had been broken, memories neither wanted had been created, and Sideswipe had become the one to suffer from it all more. He was the one to grow the results of their mistake, the one who couldn’t possibly ever pretend it hadn’t happened when his body itself worked as a constant reminder of what had gone down.

Sunstreaker? He had come out of it relatively unscathed, all things considered.

It wasn’t fair. How many times had he wished they could have switched roles? He would have been better equipped to deal with it all.

Except if their roles were reversed, he wasn’t sure guilt wouldn’t have eaten Sideswipe alive.

But was this any better? Was it any better that he had to be the one who watched their twin’s body morph to accommodate offspring that was never meant to be created? Who had to watch Sideswipe slowly wither on the inside as the months passed and the next season approached?

It had eaten pieces off of Sunstreaker too. Whatever he would have felt had drained into some black hole his emotions never crawled back out of. _Hollow._ He had felt hollow, watching Sideswipe.

He felt there should have been guilt, sorrow… Something instead of the dead _emptiness._ Sometimes he had barely been able to call on his anger, the one emotion he had always been able to trust _would_ be there. Maybe the humans thought he had turned more _mellow._

And maybe he had. 

That was, until the season came around again. Sideswipe was preparing to give birth, and Sunstreaker, knowing _he_ was the sire, had… Started to feel things again. Heat, and not the one caused by the season. Rage. Protectiveness.

The humans had been in danger.

And he had been stupid, chasing them out of the water and onto the platform. He should have known better than to leave the water, knowing they had the upper hand on dry land despite his greater size.

They’d stuck the damn needle in him before he had had the time to react, and after doing it so many times before, they knew just how much he needed to drop him into a daze on the spot, unable to escape them.

And then go under entirely, not knowing a thing of what they did to his body while he was out of it.

Sometimes he woke back up at their shared tank.

Other times, more often, it was at the secondary tank they never took Sideswipe to.

He _always_ counted the days, hoping every one would be the one where they returned him.

They didn’t need dirty tricks to get him out of water at the secondary tank. Just the sliver of hope that they would move him back, that was all he needed to obey their call and climb onto the platform for them to do whatever they wanted to with. 

Sometimes he feared he was too desperate, too obedient, that they’d decide it was better to keep him in the smaller tank just for him to be easier to handle. But they never did. Well, hadn’t so far. Maybe they were at least smart enough to realize it wasn’t good for either of them.

And Sideswipe started to act up if Sunstreaker wasn’t there. Maybe that was part of their motivation to return them together, too.

He’d worried that they’d separate them for good once it became obvious Sideswipe was heavy, with only one there that could have landed him in that condition. They _had_ to know it wasn’t healthy, and on a level he wouldn’t have blamed them.

On another level he would have hated them for it. Killed them all.

But they hadn’t.

It was only once the season came around that they did it again.

And the season ended, and they wouldn’t move him back right away.

Sunstreaker’s patience was gone by the time the humans _finally_ called him to the edge of the tank instead of hiding up at the unreachable rafters. He practically shot out of the water, forcing the few humans present to dodge out of his way.

Breaking their bones would have been so satisfying.

Sunstreaker refrained, propping his upper body on his arms and glaring at the lot of them while he waited for whatever they wanted to do. They made some nervous sounds before they gave the order to lower himself, which Sunstreaker reluctantly obeyed, laying his chest down on the cold floor.

Needles, again, but this time they were a relief. It stoked the hope that they would finally let him back to the larger tank.

Their home, such as it was.

Black consumed him to that fervent wish that he would wake up elsewhere.

* * *

And he did. His hearing came back first, and there was nothing but the quiet hum of the aquarium around him. His skin was cold, and dry, a sure sign he was still on land.

But most importantly, he could smell Sideswipe and the scents of the tank they spent most of their time in.

His vision was the last to return to him, blurry at first, slowly clearing and focusing until he could make out the details of the tiled floor he was resting on. As his mind began to run less sluggishly, Sunstreaker cautiously tested his body: twitched his fingers, flicked his tail, fanned his fins. Coordination returned annoyingly leisurely and Sunstreaker waited anxiously as it returned.

Until, finally, he felt steady enough to roll to his stomach, push himself up on shaking arms, and drag the short distance to the tank’s edge.

“You’re back!”

He had barely slipped into the water before Sideswipe rammed into him, wrapping his arms around him tight enough to squeeze the water from his gills. Grunting, Sunstreaker returned the embrace on reflex, but his thoughts were trapped on the brief glance he’d had the chance to have of Sideswipe’s body.

It was still distended, rounded in the middle, and for a moment Sunstreaker thought Sideswipe hadn’t given birth yet after all—maybe something was wrong, because it should have happened already, the season was over-

But as soon as his eyes lifted over Sideswipe’s shoulder, Sunstreaker froze.

Two sets of orange eyes were staring at him, little bodies trailing after Sideswipe.

After their carrier.

Sideswipe was shaking, and Sunstreaker couldn’t decide where his attention should’ve been. On his brother, clearly in emotional distress, or the babes, so cautious but wanting to come closer.

Indecision and something else he couldn’t name made his heart hammer hard enough that there was no doubt Sideswipe could feel it from where their chests were pressed together. He didn’t think it was possible, but Sideswipe’s grip only tightened further until Sunstreaker worried for the soundness of his ribs. That solved his internal dilemma for a moment, and he turned his attention from the babes— _his_ babes, _their_ babes—to Sideswipe.

“Are you alright?” he asked quietly, nuzzling the side of Sideswipe’s head where his face was pressed to the side of his neck.

“No,” came the sobbed answer, and this time there was a crack and a bloom of intense pain somewhere in his middle. Sunstreaker flinched, _hard,_ but Sideswipe didn’t seem to notice. “They left me here alone,” his brother whispered, barely audible enough for Sunstreaker to hear.

Breathing hurt, but he doubted that compared to the emotional pain Sideswipe had been through—or physical pain, for that matter. How much did giving birth hurt? He had no idea.

 _“I missed you so much,”_ Sideswipe continued, his words barely legible but ardent enough that they seared straight into Sunstreaker’s heart.

“I missed you too,” he murmured, careful to only take very shallow breaths. Sideswipe’s hold was still vice tight around him, but was it any wonder?

Sideswipe had had to be alone for two weeks and give birth in that time. He could endure some discomfort for a while if it meant providing his twin any comfort at all.

But he didn’t know what else to say. Apologize? For what? Everything the humans had done had been out of his control. If he could have helped it, he would have.

Words of comfort? He didn’t know what those would’ve been, should’ve been.

What would have been enough to make up for even a fraction of what Sideswipe had been through?

So he stayed silent and allowed the crushing grip as Sideswipe cried against his neck, returning the hold notably more carefully, and ignored the sharp pain in his side.

Sideswipe had given birth after all. It didn’t look like his body had quite bounced back from it yet, though, and he still hated the signs of what had happened to his twin’s body, hiding his usually lean curves.

But time would fix that.

Time would not fix the pups that were staring at them.

He was both eager to meet them, to be properly introduced, and terrified of the prospect at the same time. They were _his._ And Sideswipe’s.

That should never have happened.

But it had happened, and now they were all here, one fucked up little family. He could… What he _couldn’t_ allow himself to do was hold any bitterness towards them. He had told Sideswipe they would do their best.

Part of his best was not blaming them for existing. It wasn’t their choice. It had been no one’s choice.

That was easier said than done, though, and he had to will himself into thinking of them as just… Innocent.

They had had no part in what had happened. He couldn’t hate them, ever.

He only hoped Sideswipe didn’t either.

But could he love them? Part of that was reminding himself, _constantly,_ that _they_ weren’t to blame for the change in Sideswipe’s body and spirit over the year.

If he kept that mind, he could… Accept the fondness that came from the thought that they were _his,_ and they were _Sideswipe’s,_ and he would never want to hurt Sideswipe by forsaking something that was his.

Sideswipe, though… What did he think? What did he feel? Sunstreaker was no mind reader, and without even seeing his brother’s expression it was hard to glean anything more than the painfully obvious misery that Sideswipe was expelling.

But his hold had loosened some; the desperate press of his face against his neck had turned more into something like a nuzzle. Sunstreaker dared to draw back just enough to have some hope of catching Sideswipe’s gaze.

Sideswipe wouldn’t look at him, his head hanging low. It didn’t feel right to accept that, so Sunstreaker carefully brought up one arm, hooking his finger under Sideswipe’s chin and gently lifting his head back up.

Sideswipe’s eyes still didn’t hold the spark they once had, but there was… A strange calmness behind the pained expression on his face.

Sunstreaker didn’t know what to make of it. “How do you feel about… About them?” he asked, a little hesitantly, unsure if he would open up something that would have been better staying locked up.

But Sideswipe only shook his head, leaning into his hand. “I… I _care_ about them. I think I love them? I don’t hate them, they’re… They’re _mine,_ and _yours,_ and… It’s not their fault,” Sideswipe answered in halting words.

It mirrored Sunstreaker’s own thoughts.

He was relieved.

Sunstreaker nodded firmly. Their best. They would do their best.

Sideswipe drew away from his contact, and Sunstreaker let him, bringing a newly freed arm to his aching side. The pain was piercing and throbbing and ignited anew at every movement he made.

But he could ignore it. He had other things to focus on. More important things. 

Sideswipe turned to reach one arm towards the pups, his other hand still holding tight onto Sunstreaker. “Babes, come say hi to your s-” Sideswipe started, but his voice hitched and he paused for a moment before he managed to try again- “sire.”

And just at that word, Sideswipe lost his composure again, burying his face in his hands, his shoulders shaking silently.

The pups hesitated, torn between trying to comfort their carrier and greeting the new figure in their lives, and Sunstreaker sympathized. But they approached, together, slowly, and Sunstreaker’s heart started to hammer all over again.

What were you even supposed to do with pups? He better figure that out quickly, because the two reached Sideswipe, one of them grasping onto his shoulder with a little trill while the other swam further, bravely coming up to Sunstreaker.

He felt frozen in place as the little one approached, but when the pup swam to be level with his face and made a questioning sound, he forced himself to move, to lift an arm and brush his hand against the little body.

That little body swayed in the water from the contact, grabbing onto his fingers to stabilize itself while its fins spun a little awkwardly.

It was cute, and Sunstreaker couldn’t help the little twitch at the corner of his mouth. 

Sideswipe had calmed himself again and watched them and their little… Introduction. The other babe was held in his arms like a comfort item, which it probably was.

It didn’t look like it minded.

“Have you named them yet?” Sunstreaker asked quietly, wiggling his fingers and making the babe squawk indignantly as it tried to find its balance again.

This time he smiled outright.

When he looked past the pup, he could see a shaky smile on Sideswipe’s face as well.

“I… Sort of. I had ideas, but I wanted to hear your thoughts first,” Sideswipe murmured, bringing the babe he was holding higher up to kiss its little head.

The dark hollow in Sunstreaker’s chest receded just a little bit. “Yeah? What did you have in mind?”


End file.
